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Post your own lyrics

Discussion in 'Musicians Discussion' started by Night Prowler, Mar 10, 2014.

  1. SinisterMinisterX

    SinisterMinisterX Illuminatus Staff Member

    Too many "ear" sounds at the end of the first verse. Lose at least one "year".

    Try an ABAB rhyme scheme. Change line 3 to rhyme with "care". Change line 9 to rhyme with "survive". ("Alive" is an obvious suggestion there.)

    I'd go ABAB on the 3rd verse too. "Edge" may be tough to rhyme in this context, so go for that challenge, and find something better than "fed". You're forcing yourself to drop the word "on" which makes sense of that line for a pedestrian rhyme.

    You don't "claw it all back" in a single moment. "Claw" suggests a long, hard struggle. Go for a verb that can happen in a moment (eg "take it all back"), or change the penultimate line to a longer timeframe.

    No offense intended if you think I'm being hard. But these would by my thoughts if it was my draft. :cool:
     
    THESEVENTHMARINER likes this.
  2. THESEVENTHMARINER

    THESEVENTHMARINER Ancient Mariner

    Thanks man, I'll take those into consideration.

    I'm not very good at "writing" so to say, but I felt like I had a strong idea in my head and I needed to get it down.

    But cheers for the feedback! :)
     
  3. Stardust

    Stardust A Blue Sector Mirage

    Cynosure (lyrics)

    Brilliance is never understood
    Underplayed by the masses
    Getting filled like greenwood

    At the center of attention
    Not a single moment
    Of silence and dissension

    That was the day he died…

    How can you be so sure?
    If you judge by appearance only
    How will you ever know?

    How can you be so sure?
    The mind isn’t all
    Is it because of cynosure?
    Cynosure

    Travel to the North Star
    They will surely follow
    You can’t even go far

    Sadness fills their eyes
    The man is gone
    But brilliance never dies

    But do they really care?

    How can you be so sure?
    If you judge by appearance only
    How will you ever know?

    How can you be so sure?
    The mind isn’t all
    Is it because of cynosure?
    Cynosure

    A quick one, to get back into the swing of things.
     
  4. SinisterMinisterX

    SinisterMinisterX Illuminatus Staff Member

    I have no clue wft "cynosure" means, which probably helps in this case.

    That's a damn good lyric Dusty. You finally got something that makes no sense at all, but in the right way. Worthy of prog.
     
    Stardust and Saapanael like this.
  5. LooseCannon

    LooseCannon Yorktown-class aircraft carrier Staff Member

    Cynosure - noun:
    a person or thing that is the center of attention or admiration.
     
  6. Mosh

    Mosh The years just pass like trains Staff Member

    Dusty, you're on your way to becoming a really good lyricist. Shows what working on your craft every day can do. I'm glad you weren't discouraged by people making fun of your early lyrics.
     
  7. Stardust

    Stardust A Blue Sector Mirage

    Mystery With A Twistery (lyrics)

    There’s been a murder in Grimsley House
    Of a fair, caring girl named Claire
    She was found dead in her blouse
    Alone, the culprit was nowhere

    “Sir, do you think it was Mickey Al Bob?”
    “No, I think he’s too much of a slob”
    That day no progress was made
    And the killer was still in the shade

    Destruction of property, the rage and grief
    The poor girl’s parents were crying their lungs out
    Wait for an opening in their shield, a moment so brief
    And he will strike once again, and you won’t have time to shout

    “Trying to run away from the castle, Meg?”
    “I’m so afraid, sir, can I leave, oh, I beg”
    That day no progress was made
    And the killer was still in the shade

    Mystery with a twistery
    The killer is among us
    Mystery with a twistery
    Everyone’s becoming a gloomy gus

    This is indeed a story of death
    So don’t worry, just hold your breath
    Maybe you won’t die a violent death
    At the hands of me, you don’t know who I am

    Gathered for the final supper
    It all was silent, no one said a word
    They were all in the scupper
    The lights went out, and a scream was heard

    “Another one dead, this time it’s dear old Ted”
    “Maybe it’s John, he’s filled with dread”
    That day no progress was made
    And the killer was still in the shade

    And so the story moves on
    Jim was standing in the kitchen
    Not all hope was gone
    But this was the trichion

    “That’s it, now Eric is down”
    “You’re the killer?!” Alice said with a frown
    That day no progress was made
    And the killer was still in the shade

    Mystery with a twistery
    The killer is now known
    Mystery with a twistery
    But the cover wasn’t blown

    Life or death, the flip of a coin
    Who will be next, the next to join
    The rising list of victims
    One of these turns, I think it’s you!

    Three days later, only three were left
    They were fighting over the key
    The key to the car, and one would get the shaft
    The only one to escape, see?

    And so, only two were left
    The killer took out his knife
    And took the other’s life
    That was the end of it all

    Our story ends in mystery
    Who was the killer in the end?
    Maybe we will know someday
    Grimsley House is now all alone

    And that’s that!


    So, this is probably a lot weaker than the last one. I was trying really hard not to make this a clone of Robbery, Assault & Battery or The Battle Of Epping Forest. Unfortunately, I don’t think I succeeded.

    That’s why I wanna hear your thoughts on it so I can make it better. I hope it's not THAT bad...
     
  8. Stardust

    Stardust A Blue Sector Mirage

    Blank (lyrics)

    Can you see my state of mind?
    Do you know if it’s really blank?
    To keep anything I’ll find
    I would do that until it sank

    Do you know what it’s like?
    To not understand what life really is
    For me, that’s another strike
    Unlike the others, I’m not a whiz

    They’ll stop and laugh
    And I don't know why
    A mistake on my behalf
    Hey, maybe I should still try

    If it is truly as it seems
    Will that make me happy or sad?
    I can see nothing in my dreams
    I don’t know if that’s bad

    Living without a clue
    Doesn’t seem like the best use of my time
    But I don’t know how to change myself
    When I think, my mind always goes blank

    I could go on about my troubles
    But there’s a chance you might get bored
    It all fizzes and pops and bubbles
    Someday, they’ll play another chord

    So, can you see my state of mind?
    Do you know if it’s really blank?
    To keep anything I’ll find
    I would do that until it sank

    But what do I really know?


    A Yellow One (lyrics)

    This was the start of a brand new day
    Time to pack the bags and head out
    Out to catch a plane; as to say
    Lack of anything was never in doubt

    Once a time, the world would treat him bad
    They would laugh and scoff, ain’t that sad
    But his luck would change in the middle of the night
    They said he needed the money, they said it was right

    One may wonder
    If the man is truly happy
    With everything at his hand
    Isn’t he a yellow one?

    They would fall for him
    Until he would let them go
    He would change it on a whim
    And no one ever told him no

    Really, who could have cared
    A man with perfection at his side
    No one could be compared
    And he took that in stride

    One may wonder
    If the man is truly happy
    With everything at his hand
    Isn’t he a yellow one?

    Yeah, isn’t he a yellow one?
    Ooh, isn’t he a yellow one?

    One may wonder
    If the man is truly happy
    With everything at his hand
    Isn’t he a yellow one?

    Well, isn’t he a yellow one?
    Honestly, isn’t he a yellow one?

    A yellow one, yeah...


    A double post!
     
  9. Jamie Laszlo

    Jamie Laszlo Invader

    METAL NATION


    I belong to a club of rock n roll
    There are no fees; there is no toll
    We wear our bands spread across our chest
    You’ll never catch us in a jacket and vest

    We are spread throughout the Earth
    In our old blue jeans and our black t-shirts
    We don’t need cleansing; no sanitation
    Cuz we are part of the Metal Nation

    Crank some Priest and Megadeth
    Crank Anthrax and crank Opeth
    Pound your fists; get up and sing
    Somewhere someone’s doing the same thing
    Have a few drinks; get real stoned
    Cuz in Metal Nation you’re never alone



    We’re told to grow up and do it fast
    And we may be viewed as outcasts
    But we’re not afraid; we are shameless
    And we judge the judgers for their lameness

    We are spread throughout the Earth
    Ready to rock since our very birth
    So don’t come trying to save our souls
    Cuz in Metal Nation it’s about rock n roll

    Crank some Slayer and Megadeth
    Crank the Sabbath and crank Opeth
    Pound your fists get up and sing
    Somewhere someone’s doing the same thing
    Have a few drinks get real stoned
    Cuz in Metal Nation you’re never alone


    Power, prog, death, stoner or doom
    Just as long as it shakes this fucking room
    Turn it up loud and act like a fool
    From the very new to the very old-school
    We are spread throughout the Earth
    Our music collection is what we’re worth
    It’s all we have; it’s what we save
    So burry it with us in our graves

    Crank some Metallica when they were faster
    So don’t play anything after Master
    Pound your fists get up and sing
    Somewhere someone’s doing the same thing
    Have a few drinks get real stoned
    Cuz in Metal Nation you’re never alone
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2016
  10. Jamie Laszlo

    Jamie Laszlo Invader

    Shitting Buddies


    I’m sitting in the stall
    Reading my phone
    Enjoying the peace
    I’m glad I’m all alone
    That’s when the door
    In the stall next to me
    Is opened by a person
    Who’s not here to pee

    I can see a belt
    I can see a pair of shoes
    I don’t memorize feet
    So I don’t know who’s
    I hear the person grunt
    I hear him breathe
    It’s time for me to finish up
    It’s time for me to leave


    We’re shitting buddies, shitting buddies
    Side by Side
    Shitting buddies, shitting buddies
    Time to swallow my pride
    I’ll smell yours and you smell mine
    Shitting buddies Shitting buddies
    It happens every time


    I take my hands
    And plug each ear
    I don’t wanna know
    I don’t wanna hear
    I wish I had a third hand
    To help with my woes
    So I could stop smelling
    By holding my nose

    We’re shitting buddies, shitting buddies
    Side by Side
    Shitting buddies, shitting buddies
    Time to swallow my pride
    I’ll smell yours and you smell mine
    Shitting buddies, shitting buddies
    It happens every time
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2016
  11. The Flash

    The Flash Dennis Wilcock did 9/11

    [​IMG]
     
    Night Prowler likes this.
  12. Stardust

    Stardust A Blue Sector Mirage

    Unlimited Rice Pudding (lyrics)

    When you know they want too much
    Whatever can you do?
    For just a small prize, as such
    You can have a cake and so…

    Well, how do you know that?
    There’s no single answer
    Can you taste the truth?
    Or can you only batter the lies?

    You’ll know they’ll want too much
    After the unlimited rice pudding is done

    When you know they just hate it
    Whatever can you do?
    Pay the bill and take a seat
    Enjoy your pie and so…

    The house is not gonna get any better
    So why do you still try?
    The wallet is not gonna get bigger
    So why do you still want more?

    You’ll know they’ll want too much
    After the unlimited rice pudding is done

    So, how can you do that?
    There’s no second answer
    Can you see what’s good or bad?
    Or are you just left blind as a bat?

    How much do you eat?
    Is it too much?
    How much freedom do you need?
    Is it too much?

    Well, the truth is in sight
    Somewhere in the night
    You will need good insight
    You need to enter the light
    You gotta join the fight
    You can’t have a slight…

    ...misunderstanding

    You’ll know they’ll want too much
    After the unlimited rice pudding is done

    More cheese on the patty
    You can’t have enough
    That thing looks nice
    Let’s have a bunch

    Do you really know how much you want?
    Really now, can you decide?
    Do you really wanna stop or still go?

    If your answer is yes
    Dreams are achievable
    If your answer is no
    Maybe you can ask for a better deal

    There’s no thing as fully satisfied
    According to my fellow pals
    So, what does that mean?
    No social status indeed…

    You’ll know they’ll want too much (want too much)
    After the unlimited rice pudding is done

    Yeah!

    You’ll know they’ll want too much (want too much)
    After the unlimited rice pudding is done

    You still want more...can’t get enough
    Still want more...can’t get enough

    A spoonful too much
    Tell me in the end
    Who got the last laugh?

    After the unlimited rice pudding is done...


    Some of my most weird lyrics ever. You can probably guess what it is about.
     
  13. SixesAlltheway

    SixesAlltheway Yacht Rock

    Less rice pudding lyrics, more Cynosure lyrics....And you'll be on the right track. Too many detours right now ;)
     
  14. Dityn DJ James

    Dityn DJ James A coma stole my name.

    I thought I was reading lyrics to a Tankard song for a minute. Weird, fun, decent.
     
  15. Stardust

    Stardust A Blue Sector Mirage

    Buonanotte (lyrics)

    As we lay here in the mist
    In the shadow of the night
    Still, we feel released
    That’s when we say goodbye


    Buonanotte, everyone…

    They put a bullet in his brain
    And he cried red tears
    Left all alone in the rain
    To live in fear


    Good night...

    She got hit by a train
    And she’s not okay
    She might have been slightly insane
    But she really didn’t have anything to say


    Good night...

    Death by glamour, they said
    The dryer blew up in their face
    And when they found her, she was dead
    Just another one for the rat race


    Good night…

    Is death considered art, he asked
    Well, maybe if you try
    But you don’t know how long you’ll last
    Your own thoughts might make you cry


    Good night…

    I’m lying here in my hospital bed
    Just waiting for the flash to come
    I can see my cheeks have gone red
    What can I do, the damage is done
    I wish I could stay for one more day
    But this is my station
    For all my sins, I need to pay
    And I’m heading out to my final destination


    As we lay here in the mist
    In the shadow of the night
    Still, we feel released
    That’s when we say goodbye


    As we lay here in the mist
    In the shadow of the night
    Still, we feel released
    That’s when we say goodbye


    Buonanotte, everyone…

    Don't worry, people, more Cynosure-style lyrics are coming.
     
  16. Shadow

    Shadow Deluxe Edition Staff Member

    I like this. A lot of possible meanings come to mind, some more gruesome than others...

    I think you have a good premise with this one. I would try to develop the characters (the man with the bullet, girl with the train etc.) further. Add more detail, try to make each verse memorable.
     
    Forostar likes this.
  17. Dr. Eddies Wingman

    Dr. Eddies Wingman Brighter than thousand_suns

    What style of music do you reckon fits these lyrics best? Sabaton? Manowar? Something completely different?
     
  18. Jamie Laszlo

    Jamie Laszlo Invader

    Kind of a Judas Priest style. Something like "United"
     
  19. Saapanael

    Saapanael "My hair sets the trend of tmrw by doing it today"

    The references to different Metal bands make me think of Sabaton. Sounds like a parody such as Metal Machine and Metal Ripper.
     
  20. Brigantium

    Brigantium Work Geordie for hire Staff Member

    I can hear it in 70s or early 80s Priest style too, it would fit the music
     

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