Onhell
Infinite Dreamer
So for the past week I've had my Holy Dragon's Mp3 cd playing in my car, because I felt like listening to some cool Russian power metal, Specially their song "The Last Day of Life" on their Wolves of Odin Cd... fucking brilliant. They have been my only respite from a tough last couple of days.
Nothing really new has developed and in a way that is part of why I got into this really deep melancholy. I've been working a night schedule for a little over a month now and I feel the isolation is getting to me. Even though my nights off are Thursday, Friday and Saturday, I find myself spending them home. There are only so many crappy late-night Japanese movies you can take. After watching Godzilla beat a giant cockroach once the others lose their novelty.
Because I work nights at my full-time job I'm alone for 8 hours of my 10 hour shift, only when we staff and go over the communication log do I get my socialization fix. When I come home it is most of the same, my mom is asleep or at work, and I find a note on my place mat to update me on what has been going on... great a communication log at home too is what comes to mind. My nights off resemble my usual working shift, my mom goes to bed and I stay up, I do rounds making sure lights are off and doors are locked, do laundry, but I don't usually sweep and mop ( hehe). Then I do bed checks, I find my mom asleep on her recliner chair with a pile of mail on her lap and I wake her up so she can get to bed. What breaks the monotony is the same thing in both arenas, reading and music, but that too gets tiring after a while. I've taken up midnight walks and hanging out at 24 hour diners when I have an extra buck for some coffee.
Yesterday the loneliness really got to me. I began to personalize it and wonder why, despite my three jobs, having so much free time I spent a big bulk of it alone? Sure intellectual pursuits are interesting to me and some not so intellectual like finding a correlation between PMS and the werewolf myth (still working on that one...), sure part of what I like about my free time is having time to myself and following up on things that had to be placed in the back burner because of school. But boy did it begin to suck to realize that my life is slowly becoming nothing but work.
I did my best to try and keep busy on my last shift as I was feeling sorry for myself. I was allowed to go home early do to shaving hours because of a couple of training session that I must attend. That was a good thing since my boss from my DJing job needed me to bring in the equipment for inventory reasons. So I go to my mom's work to switch cars (she's the one with the SUV) and as I'm turning my car off the song coming out of the speakers is one of the few Holy Dragon tunes in English, "Sorry Mama." My first thoughts were how similar it was to Ozzy Osbourne's "Mamma, I'm coming Home" and I left it at that. I leave on a soft rock station for my mom's ride home and take off. I load and take the equipment over for it to get inventoried. I'm falling asleep because by the time we're done it's 3pm (my 3am) and I simply hop into bed as soon as I get home.
When I wake up that night my mom is in the kitchen and we start having a nice little chat over nothing in particular. Then she tells me that what she feared would happen happened. I thought it might be some big crisis like she lost the house to the bank do to not paying the mortgage, or that she had gotten fired or anything around those lines. instead she tells me, "you forgot to give me back my shampoo and when I needed it tonight I had to get out of the shower to get it, because you were asleep." I laughed, because honestly that is a very amusing ordeal at least in hindsight. Since money is a little tight and when doing groceries we only get essentials at the time of the last big purchase my shampoo didn't make the list, I merely borrowed hers. My mother however, was not laughing. I encouraged her to make light of the situation, but she insisted that it was nothing to make light of. I told her that it was just shampoo and she went off on how it was an inconvenience to her to have had to get out of the shower to get it. I, however insisted that the world wouldn't come to an end because of that. I told her that considering all our other problems, making such a big deal out of shampoo was rather childish and frankly a waste of time and energy. That only made her more mad...
"That's exactly why! Because on top of all the problems I already have the LAST thing I need is for you to add another problem however small it might be. You are never home, your jeans are still on the couch and who knows how much longer they'll actually stay there, you sweep and mop whenever you feel like it and you just don't care about what happens around here."
"Hold on just a second, who says I don't care? If I didn't care I wouldn't be here. I don't have to be here, I can have my own apartment and only visit you on the weekend or not at all if I felt like it. I'm paying your utilities so you don't have too, I'm getting that leaky faucet fixed as soon as I get paid again so you don't have to worry about it."
"Money is not the only thing that solves problems."
"It's solves our problems. What are our problems? moneyproblems. we owe people: mortgage, car payments, credit cards, lawyer fees and we're still paying moving fees. We have a strong and loving family, there are no issues between us, we don't have to work on strengthening familial bonds or dealing with repressed issues. our problems are material."
"It's not just material, you don't get it, you borrowing my shampoo and not giving it back is a big deal."
"Good lord, no it's not, it is just shampoo, not paying your mortgage, however is a huge deal."
"I don't care if I lose the house! it would just be something less to worry about."
"In that case you shouldn't even begin to worry over your shampoo."
"you don't get it"
"Only too well I'm afraid."
"No you don't, I'm tired of dealing with crap no matter how small, I'm old, I shouldn't have to work as hard at this point in my life, I came here to build a retirement for myself, and i don't see when I can even START to do that. Time is running out for me and I'm just fed up." At this point I smiled, not because watching my mom struggle through tears to tell me this brought me joy, but because I knew all along it was not about the shampoo at all, it was just the tip of a very troubling ice burgh which was coming to the surface. My mom was tired and annoyed that she was not young enough to deal with the huge load of crap life had dumped on her at this stage.
That was very heartbreaking for me, because my mom has always been and of course still is a strong woman that no matter what happens she always finds a way to pull through. I reminded her how nothing has really changed for her, from the time she had to leave her small hometown in Chihuahua, because a flood had destroyed the family crops, to her divorce and ultimately coming here... it has been a constant struggle. That's life and that she always found a way to look towards a brighter future and worked to make it happen
"No, no, that was different. Those struggles helped shape me, forge character, this is different"
"Mom, all pain and suffering, regardless at what stage in life are character forming and should be faced the same way."
"No, I'm too old for it now."
Oddly, again, this made me feel much better. Not because I enjoy other people's misery, but because it reminded me why I'm working three jobs*, why I really haven't felt like going out much, even if I later feel lonely. The most important thing to me is my family and I want to help them. I also realized I needed to start taking care of a larger share of responsibility that were I living in my own apartment I really didn't need to address immediately. I keep talking about the wonders of adulthood, no school, no homework, time to pursue personal interests and being able to live without having to depend on anyone. But I decided to forgo that last freedom to help out my mom and I forgot about the responsibilities that entailed.
I eventually apologized about the shampoo, and I have the feeling my mom still thinks our argument ultimately was about that and nothing else, but I feel it was about so much more. It reminded me of the promise I had made myself to help out as best I could whether with pseudo therapy and promoting a good venting here and there, or like taking care of some financial responsibilities. We all wonder what our purpose in life is and we search for meaning in our lives and I remembered mine.
As I left for work I turned on my car and from the speakers once again Holy Dragon's "Sorry Mama" came pouring through... This time I didn't think of Ozzy though, just Shampoo.
*I know I could be making more money working at one good paying job than three ok paying ones. Again If I were on my own I'd be fine with my full-time job, but there are several reasons why I choose to work three. 1) I LIKE my jobs, I like what I do at all three so I see no reason to quit any of them. 2) Fills up some of the free time I have since leaving school and 3) I like my jobs (I know i'm listing it twice, can't emphasis it enough. A student at the community college asked me why was I still tutoring Spanish if I already graduated. All I could think of was, "I like tutoring." Ultimately I like helping people and that is what I do at all three jobs. I'm a Domestic Violence case worker that helps women get their lives back on track. I'm a Spanish Tutor and as a DJ I'm helping people have a good time.
That was the biggest point I tried to make to my mom about her shampoo and ultimately failed... she'll get it one day though. Life whether you are 24 or 62 is too short to spend it making a fuss over meaningless mishaps that happen every day. I rather work 3 jobs that I love than one that pays me millions, but I hate. In the end I get what I'm happy and loving life.
Nothing really new has developed and in a way that is part of why I got into this really deep melancholy. I've been working a night schedule for a little over a month now and I feel the isolation is getting to me. Even though my nights off are Thursday, Friday and Saturday, I find myself spending them home. There are only so many crappy late-night Japanese movies you can take. After watching Godzilla beat a giant cockroach once the others lose their novelty.
Because I work nights at my full-time job I'm alone for 8 hours of my 10 hour shift, only when we staff and go over the communication log do I get my socialization fix. When I come home it is most of the same, my mom is asleep or at work, and I find a note on my place mat to update me on what has been going on... great a communication log at home too is what comes to mind. My nights off resemble my usual working shift, my mom goes to bed and I stay up, I do rounds making sure lights are off and doors are locked, do laundry, but I don't usually sweep and mop ( hehe). Then I do bed checks, I find my mom asleep on her recliner chair with a pile of mail on her lap and I wake her up so she can get to bed. What breaks the monotony is the same thing in both arenas, reading and music, but that too gets tiring after a while. I've taken up midnight walks and hanging out at 24 hour diners when I have an extra buck for some coffee.
Yesterday the loneliness really got to me. I began to personalize it and wonder why, despite my three jobs, having so much free time I spent a big bulk of it alone? Sure intellectual pursuits are interesting to me and some not so intellectual like finding a correlation between PMS and the werewolf myth (still working on that one...), sure part of what I like about my free time is having time to myself and following up on things that had to be placed in the back burner because of school. But boy did it begin to suck to realize that my life is slowly becoming nothing but work.
I did my best to try and keep busy on my last shift as I was feeling sorry for myself. I was allowed to go home early do to shaving hours because of a couple of training session that I must attend. That was a good thing since my boss from my DJing job needed me to bring in the equipment for inventory reasons. So I go to my mom's work to switch cars (she's the one with the SUV) and as I'm turning my car off the song coming out of the speakers is one of the few Holy Dragon tunes in English, "Sorry Mama." My first thoughts were how similar it was to Ozzy Osbourne's "Mamma, I'm coming Home" and I left it at that. I leave on a soft rock station for my mom's ride home and take off. I load and take the equipment over for it to get inventoried. I'm falling asleep because by the time we're done it's 3pm (my 3am) and I simply hop into bed as soon as I get home.
When I wake up that night my mom is in the kitchen and we start having a nice little chat over nothing in particular. Then she tells me that what she feared would happen happened. I thought it might be some big crisis like she lost the house to the bank do to not paying the mortgage, or that she had gotten fired or anything around those lines. instead she tells me, "you forgot to give me back my shampoo and when I needed it tonight I had to get out of the shower to get it, because you were asleep." I laughed, because honestly that is a very amusing ordeal at least in hindsight. Since money is a little tight and when doing groceries we only get essentials at the time of the last big purchase my shampoo didn't make the list, I merely borrowed hers. My mother however, was not laughing. I encouraged her to make light of the situation, but she insisted that it was nothing to make light of. I told her that it was just shampoo and she went off on how it was an inconvenience to her to have had to get out of the shower to get it. I, however insisted that the world wouldn't come to an end because of that. I told her that considering all our other problems, making such a big deal out of shampoo was rather childish and frankly a waste of time and energy. That only made her more mad...
"That's exactly why! Because on top of all the problems I already have the LAST thing I need is for you to add another problem however small it might be. You are never home, your jeans are still on the couch and who knows how much longer they'll actually stay there, you sweep and mop whenever you feel like it and you just don't care about what happens around here."
"Hold on just a second, who says I don't care? If I didn't care I wouldn't be here. I don't have to be here, I can have my own apartment and only visit you on the weekend or not at all if I felt like it. I'm paying your utilities so you don't have too, I'm getting that leaky faucet fixed as soon as I get paid again so you don't have to worry about it."
"Money is not the only thing that solves problems."
"It's solves our problems. What are our problems? moneyproblems. we owe people: mortgage, car payments, credit cards, lawyer fees and we're still paying moving fees. We have a strong and loving family, there are no issues between us, we don't have to work on strengthening familial bonds or dealing with repressed issues. our problems are material."
"It's not just material, you don't get it, you borrowing my shampoo and not giving it back is a big deal."
"Good lord, no it's not, it is just shampoo, not paying your mortgage, however is a huge deal."
"I don't care if I lose the house! it would just be something less to worry about."
"In that case you shouldn't even begin to worry over your shampoo."
"you don't get it"
"Only too well I'm afraid."
"No you don't, I'm tired of dealing with crap no matter how small, I'm old, I shouldn't have to work as hard at this point in my life, I came here to build a retirement for myself, and i don't see when I can even START to do that. Time is running out for me and I'm just fed up." At this point I smiled, not because watching my mom struggle through tears to tell me this brought me joy, but because I knew all along it was not about the shampoo at all, it was just the tip of a very troubling ice burgh which was coming to the surface. My mom was tired and annoyed that she was not young enough to deal with the huge load of crap life had dumped on her at this stage.
That was very heartbreaking for me, because my mom has always been and of course still is a strong woman that no matter what happens she always finds a way to pull through. I reminded her how nothing has really changed for her, from the time she had to leave her small hometown in Chihuahua, because a flood had destroyed the family crops, to her divorce and ultimately coming here... it has been a constant struggle. That's life and that she always found a way to look towards a brighter future and worked to make it happen
"No, no, that was different. Those struggles helped shape me, forge character, this is different"
"Mom, all pain and suffering, regardless at what stage in life are character forming and should be faced the same way."
"No, I'm too old for it now."
Oddly, again, this made me feel much better. Not because I enjoy other people's misery, but because it reminded me why I'm working three jobs*, why I really haven't felt like going out much, even if I later feel lonely. The most important thing to me is my family and I want to help them. I also realized I needed to start taking care of a larger share of responsibility that were I living in my own apartment I really didn't need to address immediately. I keep talking about the wonders of adulthood, no school, no homework, time to pursue personal interests and being able to live without having to depend on anyone. But I decided to forgo that last freedom to help out my mom and I forgot about the responsibilities that entailed.
I eventually apologized about the shampoo, and I have the feeling my mom still thinks our argument ultimately was about that and nothing else, but I feel it was about so much more. It reminded me of the promise I had made myself to help out as best I could whether with pseudo therapy and promoting a good venting here and there, or like taking care of some financial responsibilities. We all wonder what our purpose in life is and we search for meaning in our lives and I remembered mine.
As I left for work I turned on my car and from the speakers once again Holy Dragon's "Sorry Mama" came pouring through... This time I didn't think of Ozzy though, just Shampoo.
*I know I could be making more money working at one good paying job than three ok paying ones. Again If I were on my own I'd be fine with my full-time job, but there are several reasons why I choose to work three. 1) I LIKE my jobs, I like what I do at all three so I see no reason to quit any of them. 2) Fills up some of the free time I have since leaving school and 3) I like my jobs (I know i'm listing it twice, can't emphasis it enough. A student at the community college asked me why was I still tutoring Spanish if I already graduated. All I could think of was, "I like tutoring." Ultimately I like helping people and that is what I do at all three jobs. I'm a Domestic Violence case worker that helps women get their lives back on track. I'm a Spanish Tutor and as a DJ I'm helping people have a good time.
That was the biggest point I tried to make to my mom about her shampoo and ultimately failed... she'll get it one day though. Life whether you are 24 or 62 is too short to spend it making a fuss over meaningless mishaps that happen every day. I rather work 3 jobs that I love than one that pays me millions, but I hate. In the end I get what I'm happy and loving life.
My current job pays really quite well for our little country, but I am getting sick of it. Day by day the same java code waiting for me to being written or improved... I am happy for each little change, but there are too few of them. And I am probably not brave enough to look for another job. I'm not even sure what would I like to do. The problem is that to make some decent money I should be good at that job, and the only thing I consider myself being good at is programming, so probably no change in the near future