A Friend Needs Help

[SneakySneaky]

This is my last year in school,  and soon (September 2007) I'll be taking my final exams in order to get into university,  which are quite hard.  All my classmates are of course nervous,  but sometimes the tension is bigger in some of them. 

And that is the case with a girl in my class.  Before,  I write about her problem let me describe her a bit...

As some of you may know,  I live in Germany,  but I go to a fully Greek school.  I came in Germany about 3 years ago.  Back then,  my dad was this girl's chemistry teacher (I was in a different class).  He was always astonished to see how good she was.  She answered "smart" questions,  did better than anybody else in tests,  and the thing is, she's done all this by herself.  Her parents aren't that educated,  they own a restaurant or something like that,  and therefore they can't help her with her homework.  She is very responsible,  helps her parents as much as she can,  and is a good student.  She is very pretty too (this is relevant).  She is stubborn  and doesn't ever ask for help when she needs it.

So this year,  she's not doing well in class,  in fact she's doing pretty awful.  It's obviously a psychology issue.  This is where I come in.  I couldn't stand seeing her ready to cry (she won't even do that,  she's too proud),  so I told her that I thought I could help her.  I became her "psychologist"  (that's what she called me lol).  I'm trying to show her that optimism is the thing she should have,  and that is her problem.  She is too pessimistic.  She "already knows she'll fail",  "it's worthless trying" etc.  The good thing is, she hasn't stopped trying YET.  She spends hours and hours of studying (she usually stays up 'till 2 A.M studying,  for Christ's sake!),  and yet the results are poor. 

Last year she had a crush with a guy (really good chap),  and it didn't go well.  Ever since,  she won't even speak to him.  So,  after that,  she's feeling even more down.  I told her,  that her problem is probably him,  but she denies that.  I have talked to her many times,  offered her help,  and told her,  that whenever she has questions about the school lessons,  she should ask me.  She doesn't want to do that though.  She says she'd feel guilty,  wasting my time. 

So, here we have a very pretty girl (she's not "cheerleaderish",  if you know what I mean)  who has a terrible problem of self assuredness,  and can't see how good she is.  The situation is quite bad,  but still if she can't hope,  I can.  I swore to her,  everything will go well,  and I do believe that.  Even so,  I'd wish to know,  what else I can do,  in order to make her view life with more optimism.  Suggestions people?

 

[Raven]

Hmmmm....it seems like you've got yourself a tricky one here.

Firstly, is she having trouble with Chemistry, or with the year in general?  I don't know what the basis for senior education is in Germany, but over here, there is a huge gap in the standard of learning from GCSE level (that's age 16-17) and AS/A levels (2nd and final years of school).  It can happen that someone who succeeds lower down the school can struggle in the later years of education.

However, if you say that the problem is not the work, but her approach to it, I think you're handling the situation well.  You need to help her boost her confidence-perhaps advise her to take Saturdays out with her friends instead of doing work, and try to forget school.  Sometimes, it can just be that you need a short break (even if it is only a day) away from work, to help you cope (saying this, I'm sitting at home watching the AMOLAD DVD when I should really be revising Russian History...go figure )

The problem seems to be that she won't ask for help.  While, normally, I wouldn't like to suggest something like this, I also advise that you approach her teacher, and ask him/her to help this person...perhaps talking to her parents (if you can) would help her to be more open...that seems to be the problem, to me, at least.

 

[SneakySneaky]

Her problem is with the whole year in general.  And it's the Greek educational system,  not the German  .  I know it seems weird,  but imagine a school from Greece transported in Germany (lame example I know  ).  Once we finish school,  we go back to Greece and study. 

Thanks for your help,  though.  I 'll keep trying.  I must say,  I do have the feeling she's getting better... ,  but it's only a feeling 

 

[Anonymous]

So, here we have a very pretty girl (she's not "cheerleaderish",  if you know what I mean)  who has a terrible problem of self assuredness,  and can't see how good she is.

Oh boy, I know way too many of that kind...

The problem is, if she lacks self-confidence, that's not something you can change overnight. And I'm afraid it's also not something you can change by merely talking. She needs some real success and inspiration. If you want to change things for her, you have to become involved in her life. Show obvious (but genuine) interest in her and what she's doing, so she realises that she is an interesting person, and that she and what she does matters. Make her an occasional compliment (don't overdo it, though). Make her forget about that guy she had the crush on. And most importantly, let her know that things are always worth a try.

No illusions, though: Girls of that age are really, really difficult to deal with, especially if they lack self-confidence. As I said, I know too many of that kind.

 

[Onhell]

Hmm, I still don't see how she being pretty is relevant, and I've never heard of "selfish in a good way," there is no such thing, I'm sorrry.

Aside from that, you are doing a good job. You've narrowed down the problem (the boy) even if she denies it. It is likely she feels like she's not good enough and that is affecting her school performance. However, she is too proud, she needs to be a little humble and accept her limitations, accept she has a problem and that IT IS OK TO ASK FOR HELP. It has nothing to do with weakness, we are not perfect and that is why we have friends, so when we need that extra push. So I'd say keep doing what you're doing. Having you there for support and pseudo-therapy will most likely be beneficial, but perun is right... it will take a while.

 

[SneakySneaky]

Hmm, I still don't see how she being pretty is relevant, and I've never heard of "selfish in a good way," there is no such thing, I'm sorrry.

Right.  I knew I was bound to mess something up.  My mistake.  Forget you ever read it 

Perhaps I should update what I said.  She now speaks to the guy,  and I would say she's very kind.  Although,  she tells me she's pretending... 

She also said she'll try and ask for my help.  Things are getting better    Now I'm the one who's getting a little too worried.  Got some pretty bad mark in a math test 

 

[Cornfed Hick]

I live in a city (Los Angeles) filled with many, many gorgeous girls/women with crippling self-esteem issues.  [Once upon a time I viewed this as a gold mine, but now I have a newborn daughter, so perish those evil thoughts.]  There are a lot of bogus and "quick fix" answers -- perfect example: Scientology is headquartered here -- that obviously don't work, but too many people are too proud to turn to professionals for help.  Maybe it would help her to have someone who ISN'T a friend, someone she doesn't see daily, with whom she can discuss her problems.  Also, a professional might be able to prescribe helpful medications.  One should be careful with this route, as pills might also be a bogus quick fix, but only a doctor will know whether they would truly help your friend.  Do some research, find an affordable mental health clinic (maybe the school has a relationship with one) and set up a time for your friend to see someone.  She may need some convincing, but try to persuade her there is no honor in being depressed and not seeking help. 

 

[Onhell]

There is a difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I would recommend a psychologist because a lot of times psychiatrist are too eager to prescribe something. I'm against medication in general, even more so for those prescribed for "mental" issues. Also, most psychologists work with psychiatrists, so if the need does arise (somethings only medication can help, but quite rare) she can be reffered.

 

[SneakySneaky]

I don't think there'll be any need to do that guys.  As I said,  day by day,  I can see things getting better.  Today she asked for my help in chemistry    Still,  I'll keep in mind what you suggested,  just in case things go terribly wrong 

 

[Forostar]

There is a difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I would recommend a psychologist because a lot of times psychiatrist are too eager to prescribe something. I'm against medication in general, even more so for those prescribed for "mental" issues. Also, most psychologists work with psychiatrists, so if the need does arise (somethings only medication can help, but quite rare) she can be reffered.

I  know that people go too often to psychologists when they actually need different help. Then they’re told to go to a psychiatrist.

Psychology is not really a taboo, unfortunately psychiatry is.

Psychiatry is a medical specialty dealing with the prevention, assessment, diagnosis, treatment, and rehabilitation of mental illness. Its primary goal is the relief of mental suffering associated with disorder and improvement of mental well-being. This may be based in hospitals or in the community and patients may be voluntary or involuntary. Psychiatry adopts a medical approach but may take in to account biological, psychological, and social/cultural perspectives. Treatment by medication or, less often, various forms of psychotherapy may be undertaken. The word 'psychiatry' derives from the Greek for "healer of the spirit".

A psychologist is a scientist and/or clinician who studies psychology, the systematic investigation of the human mind, including behavior and cognition. Psychologists are usually categorized under a number of different fields, the most well-recognized being clinical psychologists, who provide mental health care, and research psychologists, who collect information on people's minds.

(In the U.S., both licensed psychiatrists and clinical psychologists hold a doctorate in their field. Psychiatrists are physicians who have earned an M.D. or a D.O., whereas psychologists have earned a Ph.D., Psy.D., or Ed.D. Psychiatrists generally spend shorter periods of contact time with clients/patients, and the principle method of treatment is psychopharmacology. Conversely, clinical psychologists generally rely upon psychological assessment and the use of psychotherapy to relieve psychological distress. It is not uncommon for people suffering from mental illness to combine these services to maximize their impact.)