The Legend of the CHEESEVIVÖR - INCORRUPTIBLE BATTALION BATTLES 5&6 (Updated 06.12.20)

Perun said:
I'm wondering, aren't pirates supposed to be non-conformist and free, libertarian individualists? So how come every pirate metal band looks the same, for heaven's sake...
Click to expand...
It's the right of every non-conformist to choose to dress like all the other non-conformists. (Which, incidentally, is usually the state of affairs when parents argue that children shouldn't have to wear school uniforms because it stifles their individuality).

Blazon Stone weren't as much bloody fun as I'd bloody hoped. Silverbones at least sounded like slightly cheap pirate metal. Cheaper than the plastic gold doubloons they bury in the sand in Scarborough so kids can dig them up after travelling on small motorised local 'pirate ship', Hispaniola.

Bless Lonewolf. They really, really, really, want to be a death metal band. They got the hair, the clothes, they got the guitars and a half decent drummer, they even managed to get a Saturday morning slot in the village community centre to shoot this video, with the help of a pseudo-nerd friend who has an okayish laptop (to add flame effects and design a metal band logo on Paint). Pity the vocals aren't there. Skull and Naufragrant Bones are okay and not excessively cheesey. One day they might even be opening support act for Alestorm. I have to go with Lonewolf. The dears.
 
Battle 3:

Blazon Stone. I like the name "Bloody Stone". Promising intro, as others have noted, but it gets a little generic in the verse and chorus. Some good hallelujah in there though. Instrumental is decent, not terribly cheesy, but my head is bobbing. Decent cheese.

Silver Bones. Great start to this one as well, let's see. Vocals are weak, but have a little parm in them for sure. I feel like it never gets to full cheese thrust. Both songs are average, but I'm leaning towards Blazon Stone.

Battle 4:
Lonewolf. These guys definitely have some drive. You can feel it when they play, they're trying so hard. Trying hard and failing is a true sign of cheese. The vocals are really bad, and it's because they either don't know what they're trying to do or they just have a horrible vocalist who thinks he's great. The drums, the guitars, the bass, it's all the same. Try hard, fall short.

Skull & Bones has a more traditional cheese sound, for sure, but once they get into things, they're just a cheap ripoff of other cheese bands. They're triggering a song in my head, and I can't think of which one, but I think it's HammerFall. So we'll go with Lonewolf.
 
Diesel 11 said:
Battle 3:

The intro to the Blazon Stone song was good but then it just become generic. Silver Bones ain’t great but they were a tad more interesting.

Battle 4:

Lonewolf is also just generic. Naufragant takes it for being stupid, having a pretty shit vocalist, and a drum sound worse than St Anger.
Click to expand...

These are also my votes for the exact same reasons.

I'm growing weary of pirate bands.
 
You could play Blazon Stone and Silver Bones songs mixed up and I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between two bands. Bloody Gold is a better song here though, mostly because it's shorter, so Blazon Stone it is.

Perun said:
While listening to this track, I unwittingly started to wonder what it would sound like if the cookie monster swallowed Chris Boltendahl, but that has nothing to do with the music, I assure you.
Click to expand...
LMAO

In the 2nd match - Lonewolf just sounds so much worse and more generic, even though the song is catchy. So the 2nd band it is, Nauflagrant or whatever.
 
What's up with these songs being better than the ones in the "GREATEST metal album cup"?!

Blazon Stone and Silverbones had a similar sound. Blazon Stone wins for a cheesier chorus, but I genuinely liked both of them.

Lonewolf had camera shake and Windows Studio Maker and cheesy vocals, but Naufragant have yo-ho-hos and are extremely repetitive. Seriously, this song sounds exactly like their last one! Billy wins.
 
That 'Black Bart' song is so fucking boring. The other song isn't good either but it was more enjoyable by virtue of being shorter. Lonewolf's song was also really boring. All I can remember is that it was so generic. I thought that Cheeserendum bands were supposed to be fun? The pirate band such but were much more fun.
 

Solitary Sabred - Assassins of Carthage
It might surprise you, but this is actually a somewhat faithful retelling of the founding legend of Carthage. Tarot cards had nothing to do with it, though.


Civil War - I Will Rule the Universe
Legend has it that when Napoleon entered the city of Potsdam and visited the tomb of Frederick the Great of Prussia, he is supposed to have said, "If he were still alive I wouldn't have come this far." Humble, humble.

3214.jpg



Imperivm - Last Breath
I remember noting when I first heard this album that it has all the ingredients for disaster as far as Italian power metal bands go, but this actually somehow managed to avoid hitting the iceberg. What I was thinking then, I do not know.


IronSword - In the Coils of Set
To me, this sounds like something that would have been released in ca 1985 to compete with bands like Omen or Cirith Ungol. Is nostalgia killing progress?
 
Solitary Sabred have a mission to shoehorn vocal phrases into this song and also a mission to shoehorn words into rhymes. The screams/squealy high notes seem almost random, and that accent is bizarre. This is better than their last song, in spite of this. But Civil War still get it. So drama. Much hallelujah chorus. **wow**. I can happily listen to them again, too.

I really don't want to listen to the rest of Imperivm's album. This is such nondescript metal which just so happens to have a theme. One thing I will say about IronSword, the awful vocals at least make them unique.
 
Civil War is cheesy as hell, and even manages to rip off a keyboard line from their former bandmates in Sabaton, but I still think Solitary Satbred takes the cake on this one. Horrible lyrics again and Halford-worship vocals pushed way too far to the forefront of the mix make for an adequate bowl of gooey cheese.

IronSword are both so much cheesier and so much worse than Imperivm that they deserve a vote. Those vocals are so awful. I would also like to know how a shadow lurks in the night?
 
Civil War was a good band with Nils on vocals, they should go far in this game. SS is just awful.

Imperivm song was catchy, and IronSword are fucking awful. Easy choice here.
 
I really do think Solitary Sabred have some good cheese makings here. The vocal work is...hilarious. It's just hilarious. But man, it's hard to really compete with Civil War, isn't it? They are Sabaton on steroids in a lot of ways. But man, I hate their vocalist, like a lot. I can about stand him for one song. I think I'll go with Solitary Sabred. It's close though.

Impervium is a band I want to like based on the concept, but it's very bland, I find. Unremarkable. A little nice cheese in the chorus, though, but it doesn't feel like it fits with the material, either. IronSword is horrible, though, but in all the best ways. Neither are champions of cheese, but I'll give the edge to IronSword.
 
The Solitary Sabred song made me smile with the crappy lyrics in the chorus, and overall turned out to be not that bad. The Civil War song is fine, but not fun.

The vocalist for Imperivm is pretty crap (I'm surprised the isn't the in the Best Band Ever tournament) and the chorus is far too happy for a song about an assassination. The IronSword song isn't fun at all. The vocals are too shit.
 

Elvenking - Silverseal
As I said elsewhere, I submit that cultural appropriation in metal is a thing, and if you need any proof, it would be an Italian symphonic folk power metal band wearing Scandinavian corpsepaint. My inner darkness is not your fashion statement!


Kryptos - Full Throttle
That Indian underground metal club looks like my kind of place. Kannada appropriation of NWOBHM culture, now that's something I can get behind.

s-l1000.jpg



Brothers of Metal - The Mead Song
That goat they never actually sung about is Heidrun, the goat of Valhall that gives a bottomless mead supply for the warriors there patiently waiting for Ragnarök.


Serious Black - I Seek No Other Life
Yeah, I don't know wtf these lyrics are about either...
 
Elvenking is very close to being a legitimately good-sounding band - not a good trait in a Cheesevivor.
Kryptos is just a little bit cheesier. I will admit to being biased towards a band from my city, though. As a side note, those dogs in the intro are definitely random strays - there are enough of them here.

Brothers of Metal - Yes! This is exactly the sort of cheese I want! The visuals are overdone, the subject matter isn't serious, and the singing is beautifully overwrought.
Serious Black is more 'normal' cheese that just pales in comparison.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top