Lame and not so lame jokes

Mega

Ancient Mariner
I went to the butcher's yesterday, and bet him fifty dollars that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
 

national acrobat

Ancient Mariner
Time to resurrect this sleeping beast once more...


Did you hear about the Englishman with an inferiority complex?

He thought he was the same as everyone else.
 

Travis The Dragon

GO PACK GO!!!
HOT chicks below!!!!!!!!!!




























































































































































































istockphoto_3159627-bbq-chicken-on-grill.jpg
 

Mega

Ancient Mariner
I don't know any jokes in english so I'll attempt to translate some of my favorites:

Q: What's worse then 10 babys on a one tree?
A: One baby on ten trees.

Q: How do you make a baby stop crying?
A: Put it in a blender.

Q: How many babys does it take to paint a room?
A: Depends on how hard you can kick.
 

Black Thunder

Ancient Mariner
Jesus, Adrian Smith and Pope are standing on the shore, and they decide to cross a river. Jesus walks over it, Adrian Smith too, but Pope falls into the water. Jesus then says to Adrian Smith: "Should we tell him about the planks", H replies: "What planks"?
 

Invader

Ancient Mariner
Black_Thunder said:
Jesus, Adrian Smith and Pope are standing on the shore, and they decide to cross a river. Jesus walks over it, Adrian Smith too, but Pope falls into the water. Jesus then says to Adrian Smith: "Should we tell him about the planks", H replies: "What planks"?
Awesome.  Is that a Chuck Norris joke originally btw?
 

Abas

Jester with no tears
A 16 year old boy walked in to a pharmacy and was going to buy some condoms. He was a virgin and unexperienced when it came to sex and so.

When he entered the pharmacy, no one was there, and there was a smoking hot woman behind the counter. He asked her if she knew if they were selling condoms. She showed him the place they had him.

She noticed that the kid obviously was very inexperienced and confused. So she asked him if he knew how to use/put a condom on. He said no and looked confused.

The lady unwrapped the condom and slipped the condom over her thumb. She told me "Make it all tight and secure.

The boy looked even more confused.  The lady told him "You have no idea what I'm talking about, right?"And he answered no.

So what the cashier did was to make sure that the store was empty. She then locked the doors and took the kid to the back and proceeded to unbutton her shirt and taking her pants off and then asked the kid of he was excited. The kid couldn't speak because he was so surprised so he just nodded. He was then asked to slip the condom on.

"Well, come on. We don't have much time!" she told him.

He proceeded to have sex with her and had an orgasm within 3 minutes. After the act, she looked at him with a frown and asked him if he had put that condom on.

The boy then answered "I sure did!", as he showed her his thumb with a condom over it.
 

Dr. Eddies Wingman

Brighter than thousand_suns
Perun said:
This guy wakes up in the morning with the worst headache of his life. He opens his eyes and sees a glass of water and a box of aspirin next to him. Without thinking, he takes the aspirin and sits up. He sees that the bedroom is tidier than usual, and fresh clothes are neatly folded on the chair on the far side of the bedroom. He gets up, dresses and sees a handwritten note on the bed table. It reads, "Good morning, honey. Your breakfast is in the kitchen, I have to do some groceries and will be back in the evening."
He goes down to the kitchen and notices that the entire house is cleaner and tidier than usual. On the kitchen table, he sees a ready-made breakfast with eggs and bacon, hot coffee and even the morning paper is lovingly arranged. He sits down and enjoys the meal despite his hangover. His son comes in, and the guy asks him:

"Say my boy, what happened last night? I can't remember a single thing."
"Well dad, you got home last night at three in the morning, drunk as a legion and puked on the old Persian rug. Then you got in the living-room and broke some expensive furniture while screaming something unintelligible, which woke up the entire house."
"And the house is so clean and my breakfast is made because...?"
"When Mom dragged you to the bedroom and wanted to take your trousers off, you said 'fuck off bitch, I'm married.'"

Getting drunk: €30
Broken furniture: €2000
Breakfast: €10
Saying the right thing in the right moment: Priceless.

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:
 
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