Dating Advice For MaidenFans Thread

Ariana

Black-and-white leopard
Just to add to what Ariana already said. Whenever a girl says, "we can still be friends," Your answer 99.99999999999999999999% of the time is going to be a firm, "No thanks."
Agreed. I've never been able to understand how people can be friends with their exes. Once it's over, it really is over, don't need to see you ever again, thank you very much.
 

Jer

Fuddy Buddy
Women often reach the incorrect conclusion that by not giving you definitive “no” answers, or by making it seem like they just can’t get together with you this time, but maybe next time, that they’re “letting you down softly“ by giving you all the hints so you can figure out that they don’t want anything to do with you anymore. This is, of course, exactly the wrong way to handle the situation, and is much crueler than just being direct about it. But in their mind they’re being kind by being vague.

The best advice I can give is that if someone is clearly jerking you around or doesn’t care about your feelings, then they aren’t worth stewing over. Accept that nothing was going to happen and move on. Whatever residual feelings you may have are for the fictional person you wish they had been instead of the actual person they turned out to be.

Also, you need to learn to be fully content on your own. Relationships can’t fill whatever emotional holes you might have in your own psyche, and if you try to use one to do that it will ultimately make you jealous, codependent, and a bad partner. Once you’re fully content with yourself on your own you’ll have more natural confidence, which will in turn draw people to you. And when you’re not trying to use another person to fix your own emotional issues, any relationship that develops stands a much better chance of being a healthy one. You’ll also be more willing and able to exit bad relationships if you’re whole on the inside first.
 

JudasMyGuide

Ever the Southern Gentleman
Also, word to the wise - the longer you are without a stable/serious relationship and the longer you go on without bedding someone (especially at the very beginning) the more you tend to elevate the person at hand. More "feeling that special connection", more significance ("she's the one") and so on. Believe me, looking back at it ten years later, while you probably won't really laugh at yourself or anything and possibly you'll still feel something for that person in retrospect, you'll see how silly you were then.

+ you are unfortunately of the age when most girls are still... well.. unreliable and not solid for a good relationship. Well, guys aren't too, I'm not being sexist. But it's still all about searching one's true self, unbridled egotism, "testing" the other partner (from my experience women really do search for a stable anchor in the man and one of the easy ways to test it is... well, trying to play with him, really), it's all fickleness and fear of any kind of commitment (unfortunately that often lasts for a very long time with some people) and not being serious and "checking out the playfield".

My point is, keep holding on. I know it sucks, but you will get older and the people around you will start to behave more like... well, human beings. And it's great to have the opportunity to build something with the girl for the longest time, but you're still not late. Even if you won't start for another five years, that's still a lifetime ahead.

Just don't turn into either an incel or a "nice guy" (which is almost the same thing) or a douchebag or a jaded loser or an emo and you'll be fine, trust me. Good luck!
 

giratina

Educated Fool
In my opinion you are investing too much emotions too early in the relationship, you should never invest too much more than what the other person is investing. To know how much emotions the other person is investing you should look at efforts and actions, not just talking.
 

JudasMyGuide

Ever the Southern Gentleman
...actually... I just realized... I just have to, have to put this one here. It's not a dig at Saap, I assure you, I wouldn't do that.

But I just couldn't help but think of this thread when I watched that.


(if you don't care about the background, Shawn Mendes in general or whatever, just skip to 4:34 in the video)
 

Perun

Dominus et deus
Staff member
Women often reach the incorrect conclusion that by not giving you definitive “no” answers, or by making it seem like they just can’t get together with you this time, but maybe next time, that they’re “letting you down softly“ by giving you all the hints so you can figure out that they don’t want anything to do with you anymore. This is, of course, exactly the wrong way to handle the situation, and is much crueler than just being direct about it. But in their mind they’re being kind by being vague.
+ you are unfortunately of the age when most girls are still... well.. unreliable and not solid for a good relationship. Well, guys aren't too,
I think it's a combination of these things. It sounds like she realised midway that she was heading for a commitment she did not want and didn't know how to handle it. It doesn't mean everything was a lie, it means she got scared of how serious it was starting to be. At 20, everyone is young, inexperienced and doesn't know how to handle people. The way it sounds to me is that she didn't want to hurt you, @Saapanael , but got annoyed that you didn't get whatever hints she thought were obvious. This is something every girl has to learn individually, that guys aren't very good at taking hints. And every guy has to learn that girls are giving them hints, but every girl does it in a different way.

In their early twenties, people of either gender looking for commitment in relationships are generally fucked. Or rather, not fucked, at least when they're men. It's a time when most people just want to enjoy the ride and not think about where they'll be this time next year. But just keep in mind that this does not mean you're a bad person or that things are hopeless, even if the whole world seems to conspire against you.
 

Perun

Dominus et deus
Staff member
Maybe I should explain that what I mean with that last paragraph is that in their early twenties, most people prefer having fun and figuring out what they want to full commitment. I could have worded it better.
 

Saapanael

Ancient Mariner
Paying on dates. If I should sit down at a cafe and get a coffee with a girl, I would consider it natural for me to pay for both of us. However, there’s been a few occasions where the girl says that she could’ve bought it herself (coffee, ice cream, whatever). Is that just being polite or do some girls actually prefer to pay for themselves? Maybe they feel like the guy is trying to get something in return. Just to avoid awkward situations, should I assume 100% that it’s my responsibility to pay (which would be my natural instict) or wait for some kind of response from her?

To give a specific example, I should be meeting this girl in a few days to go the movies. I made some kind of joke about buying the tickets and she hinted that she can buy the ticket herself. If we were to get a coffee before or after the cinema, would she want to get it herself again? It’s my task to find out but I wonder if there’s some general know-how for these situations.
 

Jer

Fuddy Buddy
I’m not gonna lie to her.
Oh well. Then @Night Prowler ’s advice is sound. Pay until she grumbles, then go dutch until she grumbles. Rinse and repeat. It will be good practice if the relationship gets serious, since many women have a bad habit of complaining until you consistently behave in a certain way, then later deciding they don’t want you to behave that way after all, so they start complaining anew until you change your behavior again. And you‘d better brush up on your mind-reading skills, since that’s apparently a job requirement too.
 

Ariana

Black-and-white leopard
My personal rule on paying - I always pay my part, especially if it's a guy I'm not close with. If it's someone I see regularly, romantically or not, I may agree for him to pay, presuming I can do it next time we meet. If the guy is very insistent on paying for everything, it makes me uncomfortable. Most of the girls I have known follow the same rule.
Now, I am aware that there are girls who believe the guy should pay for everything. So I would suggest that you make it clear in advance whether you want to pay or not. You could say "I'd love to buy you a drink" which leaves no room for doubt. By contrast "Let's grab a drink" may be less clear and suggest everybody paying their part.
 

Ariana

Black-and-white leopard
Oh well. Then @Night Prowler ’s advice is sound. Pay until she grumbles, then go dutch until she grumbles. Rinse and repeat. It will be good practice if the relationship gets serious, since many women have a bad habit of complaining until you consistently behave in a certain way, then later deciding they don’t want you to behave that way after all, so they start complaining anew until you change your behavior again. And you‘d better brush up on your mind-reading skills, since that’s apparently a job requirement too.
Now that's just bullshit.
 

Jer

Fuddy Buddy
Now that's just bullshit.
If you’re saying that the attitude of these women is bullshit, I wholeheartedly agree. If you’re saying my assessment of how this large group of women behaves is bullshit, then I would say you’re being naive.

Many, many women assess how much the man in their life cares about them by how well the man demonstrates that they know them. Unfortunately, many women blur that line to the point where if you don’t proactively read their mood, anticipate what they want, and deliver what they want to them without their having to ask for it, you have failed. This leads to complaining until you change your behavior to match the current prevailing pattern of expectations, but that pattern and her preferences will inevitably change, sometimes on a whim, making it impossible to maintain a high success rate without the ability to read the person’s mind.

Are there women who don’t behave this way? Of course. But certainly in my personal experience, and in the experience of the other men I’ve talked to on this topic over the course of my life, it is very widespread behavior.
 
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