CHEESEVIVÖR: The Book of Metal: ALL HAIL VICTORIUS!

THE LAST BATTLE

  • Total voters
    9
  • Poll closed .
Gotta go for Freedom Call, such a singalong Cheesefest. I could imagine a bunch of oddballs annoying fellow concertgoers by singing this endlessly while waiting for Maiden to come on stage. Domine are doing a tremendously heroic/epic effort. I quite like this song, but I love a good singalong. Extra points for the song actually being about metal.

Stormhold's music here is decent, but sadly let down by awful lyrics and occasionally ropey vocals. Freternia have so much high camp promise, with keyboardyness and a scream to open the vocals. But this is terribly generic on the whole. Five minutes plus of generic, broken only by some decent guitar. Going to go with Stormhold, at least they're entertaining.
 
Domine has possibly the best song from an Italian ensemble in this yet, but it's gotta be Freedom Call. Whoop!

Stormhold wasn't too bad, but thank fucking christ that Freternia are still the cheese wizards. They amazed me last time, and they kept it up this time. One of the bands I want to see go all the way. Lovely.
 
Okay, Metal Is For Everything is a grand metal anthem, in the vein of all the same anthems made by illustrious bands like Manowar. This is superb, and this song alone could go all the way, even if the band never came up with anything else. Domine, however, counter by quoting one of the overplayed Wagnerian pieces as their song's title - a promising cheese start. Great slow intro, building crescendo, but I am coming away from it feeling like it should have been grander. The vocalist is obviously overmatched too. Freedom Call.

Where is Stormhold from again? It must be Italy with that sentence construction. They also have the lyrical conceit of "does our intended lyric fit the music? No? Just drag the word die out for ten seconds, thanks." I also love how they just give up making the lyric video a third of the way through, put up an ad, and call it a day. Not too impressed by it otherwise. This tale of Grimbor the Great is a more classic old-school cheese, if you ask me, but it's a decent version of it, therefore Freternia.
 
Fuck me, you guys...Freedom Call wins by the price of so many miles. Don't get me wrong, Domine's intro of cheesiness and terrible verses almost convinced me to vote for them, but "Metal Is For Everyone" is simply the most perfect song in this game. I'm not evening voting for Freedom Call, I'm voting for Metal Is For Everyone. This song deserves to win the entire Cheesevivör: it has the best sing-a-long, the lamest of verse lyrics, the cheesiest of videos with lame ass metal dudes singing at stormtrooper masks, and that breakdown riff is one of the dumbest, most brilliant things I've ever heard. God, I didn't know this level of genius existed...

Both of the bands in match two have great, horrible opening wails, but I'm going with Stormhold because at least it's better produced. Both songs are mediocre and moderately cheesy, but hell, after Metal Is For Everyone everything just sounds like elevator cheese.
 
The first pair frustrates me immensely. Freedom Call is the ultimate cheese, but I kind of enjoy Domine's song. I would have voted for the latter already, but I find the vocals super annoying. Oh, wait... There's a woman singing at the end. Right, that helps. Freedom Call it is.
Freternia takes the second vote.
 
Volume I, Chapter 31: GOLDEN BATTALION BATTLE 5: Antonio Giorgio vs ValSans

Antonio Giorgio - Golden Metal
Talent is a rare gift, and those blessed by the golden stroke are to venture out into the world and let the unbelievers, the critics and the fools be smitten by the power of their creation. Antonio Giorgio has heard the call, and blesses us with this official (yes, official!) video illustrating his power, his talent, and his creation of golden metal.

ValSans - ValSans
I'm not entirely sure what this song by the definitely-not-Nazis from Austria is supposed to be about (feels like I've said that before), but it somehow seems to be related to sexual assault on characters from the Arthurian Legend...

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Volume I, Chapter 32: GOLDEN BATTALION BATTLE 6: Olympos Mons vs Ravensire

Olympos Mons - Lady in White
One of the most amazing feats in the incestuous world of power metal is that this band actually manages to rip off Gamma Ray, the band that probably ripped off more bands than Jack the Ripper and Tim Ripper Owens could ever dream of. Chapeau!

Ravensire - Temple at the End of the World
I'm not sure I have Lusitanian metal figured out. What is this band? Heavy? Power? Black-inspired? Cheesy? I mean, these were the guys who had a whole song about drawing a sword...
 
Is it just me, or does Antonio Giorgio look like a sad Dave Murray? ValSans has a fine offering, but I think Antonio Giorgio gets the win here.

Olympos Mons definitely have not crafted an original song here. It's an amalgamation of many classic cheesy songs, but that makes it more cheesy, like melting a bunch of cheddar and mozza and provolone into a three-cheese sauce. Ravensire cannot compete. Olympos Mons.
 
ValSans has some of the worst vocal harmony mixing I've ever heard, while Antonio Giorgio simply has the worst "official" video I've ever seen. Musically and cheesily, though, my heart goes with Antonio Giorgio.

Olympos Mons is definitely a hefty chunk of American, a mixture of cheeses that doesn't entire seem real. Ravensire actually has some decent musical moments, but a singer that sounds like he's shitting. They lack the pure blended cheese of Olympos Mons.
 
OMG I've been missing cheese. Antonio Giorgio from the first pair, the guy's a marvel. Ravensire from the second, because I quite enjoyed that and I'm getting queasy listening to Olympos Mons.
 
ValSans has no chance against Antonio. Golden Metal was fucking gold.

Second round was harder; I enjoyed the both. Ravensire’s instrumental section was awesome, but as a full song, I think I preferred Olympus Mons.
 
VOLUME I, Chapter 33: HEROIC BATTALION BATTLE 5: Sacred Blood vs Victorius

Sacred Blood - Ride Through the Achaemenid Empire
As an Iranologist (yes, that's a thing and I'm actually making a living with that), my heart beats faster just for the fact that somebody put the word "Achaemenid" in a song title. I know there was a black metal band with that name, but let's ignore them just for the sake of argument. I also love the fact that these guys think that Alexander the Great needs their encouragement and cheer-leading to ride to the edge of the world. Let's just ignore the hundreds of thousands of innocent victims he left dead along the way...

Victorius - Dinosaur Warfare
I promised you an epic showdown, and since Victorius aren't yet safe with reaching the next round, here it is: They're fighting aliens! With dinosaurs! Can you believe it? I certainly can't...

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VOLUME I, Chapter 34: HEROIC BATTALION BATTLE 6: Halloween vs Helloween

Halloween - Trick or Treat
This truly evil band around Dee Snyder's mutilated corpse has had a pretty bad run. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to locate a video of their eponymous song, which I would have loved to put in this match.

Helloween - Halloween
For, you see, it's Halloween! The end of April is certainly the best time to go out trick-or-treatin' as Halloween, Helloween, Hallowaan, Hellowaan, or just whatever you see fit. No?
 
Sacred Blood started out basic cheesefare but somehow gave it epic credentials . Extra points for the low budget faux fur re-enactment and prententious end credits. Victorius, however, manage to use 'holy wars' to rhyme with 'dinosaurs'. Jesus. It's like Gloryhammer but taking themselves seriously. Should be renamed 'Hilarius'. Suddenly Quest for Fire sounds entirely non-cheesy.

Halloween's cheese-appeal here is mostly limited to their general look. Helloween's Halloween just outranks this by miles.
 
Sacred Blood truly bring their A game here. It's so cheesy and I didn't actually realize they were singing in English until the chorus. Non-intelligible cheese is the best kind of cheese. But...holy shit. Ever since Victorius was introduced into this game (and I did some further digging) I have been waiting for this material to appear. It's literally every single terrible, dorky, cheesy metal thing combined into one song with an actual attempt at creating a plot. Victorius is a clear winner and, honestly, I wish they could win this entire game right now based solely on this song.

Halloween is definitely just lame-looking. Their music is simply bad. Helloween.
 
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