Discussion in 'Can I Play with Madness?' started by Onhell, Dec 17, 2007.
I aim to please.
Sorry the one offspring I had was a girl and she was given away to a Dutch pirate to become a sex slave on his ship when she reached the age of 8. She, however had other plans and at age 6 had already mastered the art of plundering and swashbuckling. In the year of our Lord 1995 I received a letter, several months old by then, written by her tiny and adorable fists claiming she had murdered good ol' Grey Beard in his sleep and taken over the ship and was on her way back to exact revenge. It read:
Oct 4th, 1994
I cringe at calling you such for how dare you give me away to some old, disgusting, boil-infested bisexual Dutch pirate known to all as Grey Beard for his wisdom and cunning, because he really has a red one, and his name is Max Von Bitchslapper. Needless to say your hour has come, that hour, you know, 3:16 pm Eastern Standard Time, when I, your only offspring, Clarisa Barbara Jimenez Soza, has sworn to butcher you without mercy. Watch thy back "Father"... Watch... thy... back! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA *COUGH COUGH*
Thus I spent many sleepless nights covered in cold sweat awaiting my now 9 year old daughter, princess of the high seas who wanted nothing less than my head on a platter, silver... or was it gold? Ah, who cares she wanted me dead. And thus one night it came to pass when I least expected it, seriously, no cliche, I was taking a crap in the upstairs bathroom, do you really expect shit (no pun intended) when you're trying to relax? Anyway I heard the front door being kicked in. I got up and ran to see what was happening and I tripped on my pants around my ankles. Taking the lord's name in vain I pull them up and ran to the stairs and there; at the bottom was what appeared to be a midget, but was really my nine year old daughter in the same outfit as the St. Paulie's beer girl holding a Cutless in her right hand and a St. Paulie's beer in her left. Needless to say I crapped my pants and I died a little inside realizing it was the second one in less than an hour.
She flew up the stairs (no shit she could FLY!) and swashed my buckled causing my soiled pants to fall once again 'round my ankles, she held her sword high and barely at my throat. She cackled, "Muahahahaha," and in her eyes I saw a maddened hatred that I knew she was serious. "So.... father," she began, "We finally meet. What do you think of me now, huh? I'm I still a wretched burden on you? I'll show you what I'm made of!"
Of course like every villain she spoke too much for I slowly reached for the Chinese vase I had purchased on one of my many travels, but that is another story and will be told another time. Point being I had slowly reached for it and when she finished her rather unoriginal and confusing speech I said, "I should have burned you in the fireplace when I had the chance!" and I swung with all my might smacking her square across the face. Everything slowed down as I heard the vase shatter, her skull crack and her body twist as she was lifted from the floor by the brutal impact and I watched it land on the staircase and tumble down.
Needless to say I am still alive and she is not, I dare not speak of her body's end, but let me just say the desert is vast and harsh and holds everyone's secrets. So you see, I could not be your Dad, but I'll gladly listen to Maiden With you...
So, wait-- are you against having a daughter that is a Pirate Queen? Are you against crapping your pants? Are you against smashing a quality vase?
Impossible to tell, methinks. One thing's for sure, though: "Max Von Bitchslapp" is my new Rave Name.
I was merely explaining to Indigo why I'm not his daddy
Ah, all becomes clear!
So the question to Indigo is: Whose yer daddy?!
My statement is that Onhell is for the Pen's getting to the Stanley Cup Finals.
Locking the 100k thread
NOOOOOooooooo! That's where my fantasies live.
Exactly. But it looks like my protest was successful as it was reopened. Clearly I single handedly twisted the mods arms and the pressure was such that they had no choice but to comply
It is clear that your strength of will is second to none, and you are all powerful. All should bow down to your might!
Wait, is this the Adrian Smith statements thread?
NP: God Macabre - Lamentation
At this point, I've narrowed the candidates down to Eddie Izzard and Mr. T.
LOL, that's a tough one, they both rock.
Judging by the avatar, I'm going with Mr. T.
Or both... He pities cross-dressing fools
I ain't gettin on no plane.... get those drugs away from me.
Sid the kid scoring the game winning goal in game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals.
WHAT! I was thinking more around the lines of the 100k thread disappearing, but it reappeared... fuck it I'm against that too! The reappearance of the thread, not the crosby thing... yeah that's it.
Onhell is totally against this thread being merged with the 100K thread as it has become somewhat popular.
Separate names with a comma.